27, Dazed and Confused

My 27 birthday came and went and to put it simply, it was da bomb (90's throwback lingo!). I spent the first day gallivanting around on the Alameda county fairgrounds with my man, eating copious amounts of oversized foods and going on rides that made me want to throw up. It was great. My birthday gathering consisted of an eclectic mix of wonderful folks who came together for a potluck where people really delivered (fresh baked fudge chocolate cookies? mini fresh baked love muffins? heavenly). My favorite part was where I blew out my birthday candles with a gaggle of my friends kids...very cute moment.

But honestly being 27 is anti-climatic. It's the age that leads up to that dreaded 3-0, but other than that it really doesn't seem that significant. I mostly feel like "I'm 27, how come I don't feel like an adult". Which I don't, I have adult responsibilities and expectations but I am amazed by just how immature I feel. Weren't things supposed to change as I grew older? Where is the maturity, the insight, the confidence, the wisdom?

This is my 27 year old wisdom: I don't know shit. And when I think I do, I'm just fooling myself.

There, the enlightened statement of the year. I think that this feeling is not unique to me by any means. It is a sentiment that is carried by many in my generation; by the overgrown kids who are still figuring out who they are and what they were meant to be, the ones who are living with their parents because the economy just sucks that badly and the others who have dreams but no gameplan. I look at some of my peers, the ones who successfully graduated law school or medical school and I see the shattered dreams of my parents who are dismayed at my lack of a masters degree.  Of course I am happy for my successful friends, but part of me just wants to kick pebbles in frustration. I wanted to be a doctor, I was Pre-Med for most of my undergraduate career, but that imploded, I am just not analytical and good at numbers. I wanted to go to law school, and I worked my ass off to again have that dream implode. People tell me that I can still go after that dream, but seriously...yea right.

I can relate...

Failing sucks, disappointment is even harder to deal with. The disappointment of my parents sure, but the disappointment in myself is perhaps the worst part. Where is my place? Where is my career headed? Is changing the world just some crazy pipe dream of an idealistic brown girl who looks to the stars but just falls on her face? I've started to do some consulting for non profits, which is sort of cool. I get freedom to do work I care about, and even have the space to be creative. But to what end? It's not a solid defined career path, like being a doctor, nurse, lawyer, teacher, chef, tattoo artist, circus clown etc.

I want to help people, my passion lies within the field of human rights and it always has been. I wanted to heal people as a doctor, and travel to third world countries to help those who had the least access to health care. That didn't work out. I wanted to be an attorney that stood up for the rights of people who were denied justice due to their economic status, skin color, ethnicity or all of the above. That didn't pan out either.

Oh the dreams I had (Disclaimer: this is not me, but close enough)

But what I have been good at since I was a child was art, writing and poetry. I never saw any of those things as skills, just as something I was good at on the side of my efforts to want to become a doctor. Growing up with Bangladeshi parents, art was never encouraged as anything more than something that was fun to do.

Now at 27 I've decided to stop fighting to accomplish things that I am just not good at. I am passionate about human rights and I love art, so now I am combining the two via blogging, photography and self initiated projects that I am passionate about and that may be beneficial to others someday.

I might fail at all of that, which is a very scary thought. I am envious of you out there that have worked hard to get a stable career, to get an education that can propel you towards a decent income and stability. But for the others out there who are still figuring out their direction in life, we're in the same boat. I hope that we can all inspire each other to follow our passions, wherever they may lead.

same sinking boat?

I am doing what I love, who knows where it will lead. What will I feel like at 28? at 30? 40? Somehow I have a feeling that I may not know anymore than I know now, but hopefully if I stay true to my goals, my dreams will come true.

And hopefully so will yours.

This is my hopeful face...no really